I finally dissolved into tears today. After keeping them inside the heart for so long, it was oddly reassuring when the hot tears flowed down my face fast and free. The month of September welcomes many birthdays, but all I feel is unhappiness and frustration
 
Recently, this particular thought kept haunting me. As a person, I am never special to anyone and that includes my family and friends. Nobody made me feel that way before. I feel that I am often taken for granted. If I do meaningful things for people, it appears to be something that should be done in the first place. If I said or did something wrong, punishment should come to me in some way or other. 

1.I’m young and healthy, without any scary illness to delay my footsteps in life.


2.I have a roof over my head.


3.A comfortable bed awaits me to sleep on it every night.

4.My Family’s financial status is stable enough without me having to take up a part time job to earn extra income.

5.I never need to worry over any of my meals or money.  
 

6.In school, I have company during break times. 
 

7.My studies are not fantastic but at least I need not repeat any modules.  

8.Whenever there are outings among my classmates, I will always be included.

9.I have a laptop in decent working condition.

10.I own a phone of my choice. 

I ought to feel lucky for being able to have so many things in my life. Some people fought so hard to have something that I take for granted. Perhaps, no matter how ‘lovely’ my life appears to be, this empty feeling will not disappear. After 18 years in life, I realised that nobody ever asked me what I really want. On my birthdays, people would rather spend money on me. Actually, I don’t need anyone to go to this expense. I chose to give out chocolates to people who treated me to meals because I felt terrible that they spent so much. Everyone was saying, it is my birthday and I should just sit back and enjoy everything showered on me. There was never genuine happiness. Nobody knows that all it takes to make me smile is a simple card. I felt so stupid for drawing so many birthday cards for nearly every good friend I have. Frankly speaking, food and presents would be consumed some day. They are just material goods. Cards and letters stay forever, even though they might turn yellow. I looked through the huge package of notes and letters given to me for the past 10 years, my heart ached because I knew there would no longer be additions to this precious collection. Nowadays people think that it would be easier to spend money to get a present. Honestly, if you present a $200 watch to me, I may not feel a speck of happiness. I would just feel guilty thinking about the huge sum of money involved. It does not cheer me up. I always thought it is simple to get a card (if you are lazy to draw) and write down some wishes. Why does it seem so difficult to the rest of the world? I guess there are still several things I do not understand about this world.

I heard the handmade presents meant for other friends, deep down I felt so jealous. I probably do not deserve such things since deep down I looked forward to them for so long but they never arrive. These presents always whizzed past me and end up in somebody elses’ hands. I can only look on with mad envy.  

It’s the same within my own family.  A place where I’m supposed to feel secure and peaceful, I just feel insignificant. Friends around me often advised that family is the best. They will stand by you regardless of what you do or what happens to you. I failed to see the truth in that statement. Nearly everyone has his or her own secrets. But I hate having such wavering suspicion. Aren’t family members supposed to be frank with one another? I don’t see that. I will never be able to open up to my family unless the door of truth opens someday. They just love to talk to me in this adult manner. Everyone was young once, but their innocence flown away mercilessly. They never stood on my perspective. You just love to shove down words like “future” and “studies” down my throat. It’s been ages since I had a hug or an encouraging pat. It sounds cheesy but these are the things I yearn for day in and day out. I’m surrounded by people but I can’t feel any love. You don’t know my real character, for I would always be the shallow, untidy and lazy girl in your eyes. Nothing is ever right or good about me.  

In this world, I’m on my own. I have to be there for myself and pick myself up because everyone has their own troubles. I dare not hope that anyone would come to me, although I feel so terrible wiping away my own tears and knowing that the tension builds up even more.    

Another day where I wished I did not exist in this world.  

"Sleepless nights, stormy days" 

I have got proof that people change.